Why a healthy baby is not all that matters

WHEN YOU SAY THAT ALL THAT MATTERS IS A HEALTHY BABY, YOU COULDN’T BE MORE WRONG.

 

Firstly, every day babies are born with heart defects, congenital disorders, learning disabilities and extra chromosomes. Their parents didn’t ask for extra ‘complications’, their baby might not be deemed ‘healthy’ and yet they love them all the same, all that matters is their baby, healthy or not. They are grateful for their baby, and wouldn’t wish them to be any different. So when you say a healthy baby is what matters, in some ways it makes those babies invisible. The Down Syndrome campaign #nothingdownaboutit is going a long way to help remove the stigma from babies with Down Syndrome and their families, sharing positive stories about the ‘extra’ that their child brings to their lives. Similarly Heart communities celebrate the milestones achieved by their Heart babies. Children who later on in life show signs of ASD or ADHD, or struggle with learning are continued to be loved by their parents in spite of their challenges.

Secondly, healthy baby or poorly baby at birth, the birthing person’s health matters too. YOU matter too. Hearing the ‘All that matters…’ phrase minimises the physical and mental pain that may be all consuming at this delicate time. A difficult birth, pregnancy complications, birth injury, unexpected c section, basically anything big or small that leaves feelings of grief and failure for an experience so far removed from what was expected or hoped for.

No suffering new mum would begrudge their baby of their health, but perinatal trauma can steal any joy regardless, sometimes even leaving feelings of regret, feeling that their baby isn’t really theirs, or in fact that they don’t want their baby anymore. If you are reading this thinking, “No, no one feels that way”, then I can only assume that you have had very good experiences, and I’m very happy for you.

However, I speak to people almost daily who confirm to me that these feelings are very real, but even they repeat back to me, “Yes but all that matters is…” NO! If you hear someone minimise their experience in this way, please correct them by reminding them gently that they matter too. And ask them what they need.

Me after my first birth experience in 2014 compared to my second in 2016  Both times I had a healthy baby, and it was certainly not all that mattered.

Thirdly, and this is the most controversial, when pregnant we are bombarded with questions about what gender our baby is, whether we know, or are going to find out, or if we have a preference. The shops are filled with gender specific clothing, accessories and other paraphernalia (usually blue versus pink) in a sickly display that sets apart the two genders from before they are even born. At a time when we already have many important decisions to make we find ourselves wondering if we should pay the £50 for the private gender scan that everyone raves about- so we can ‘prepare’?

We answer the barrage of questions from friends, family, neighbours, strangers on the bus, with “All that matters is…” whether we feel that way or not because often, if we can be honest with ourselves, we imagine what it might be like to have a baby girl or a baby boy but we are made to feel like it shouldn’t matter, or that it is selfish in some way.

The issue of gender disappointment is sensitive. Yes, those who have experienced loss or difficulty conceiving may well feel grateful no matter the gender of their baby. It doesn’t mean not being grateful for your baby, healthy or not. In addition, those who have transitioned from one gender to the other, or who consider themselves non-binary to either gender might not understand or enjoy this conversation. And that’s ok, because I’m not speaking for you, and I acknowledge your voice is important too.

I’m speaking to, and for, those of us who have, or have had, a deep desire to parent a boy or a girl. For me, having a girl meant I might be able to one day have a mother-daughter relationship that lasted longer than the 19 short years that mine and my mother’s lasted before she was stolen from us. It meant more than pink dresses and pony-tails; it was claiming back something from the universe that had been taken before I was ready. I imagined having the conversations that I never got to have with my mum, drinking coffee (or wine) together, providing the comfort of home for a grown up woman with her own family. Being a grandparent to her children, something my mum never got to experience and it breaks my heart every day.

My mum Pauline and I on holiday when I was little

You might be thinking, but you get all that, you will have all that with your boys. Yes, I know. I know that now. I know that I will have a strong relationship with my boys, that much of our future can and will be just the same.

I still dream of meeting my girl one day.

We can want our babies, and be grateful for them, and still grieve for something lost that we may or may not ever have. Whether that is a ‘healthy’ baby, or a positive birth experience or a little girl. Please don’t shoot us down with “All that matters is…” because it ALL matters, all of it matters.

HOW WE FEEL AND WHAT WE WANT AND WHAT WE GET, IT ALL MATTERS.

Love from

Sheryl @simplynatal xx

If you have unresolved feelings following a traumatic perinatal experience, please seek help. Speak to your Midwife, GP, Health Visitor or contact The Birth Trauma Association.

If you are local to Wakefield you can request to join Wakefield Perinatal Trauma Support on Facebook.

Pregnant and dealing with difficult feelings or heightened anxiety? Ask to speak to your NHS Trust’s perinatal mental health midwife. In Wakefield, we are lucky to have a free Mindful Pregnancy course- ask your midwife for details.

And of course, Simply Natal courses are designed with you in mind, whatever your experiences or feelings related to your pregnancy, our support is non-judgemental and entirely bespoke to your circumstances. Get in touch to find out which course we would recommend.