Birth trauma baby

I have been working on my next blog post, but it never quite seems finished, like something is missing. Then I woke up this morning and just knew that what I needed to do was share something else first. It is Maternal Mental Health Matters Week, and although I don’t want my website and blog to be all about me and about birth trauma, I also don’t want to skim over it and leave others feeling invalidated as a result. My aim is always to be honest and to say the things that other people might need to hear because I know how important that is. I believe in positive birth, I want that to be the reality for the people I teach hypnobirthing to, but I also know that whether our experiences are positive or negative perinatal mental health problems can sneak up on people and knock the wind out of them, and make them feel like I did, like I couldn’t love my baby.

It took me 3 years to tell him I loved him.

That day in December 2014 when everything changed. I thought I would never be ok. I wanted to die. I couldn’t love my baby because I believed he would die. It wasn’t a conscious choice, I just couldn’t help the subconscious self-preservation and lived for months in a state of grief for what I had lost.
I wrote this poem when he was 9 months old, after my first lot of therapy; I saw a glimpse at the end of the tunnel;

Birth Trauma baby
Do I love you today?
It’s taken so long
But it will be ok.

They said, “but he’s worth it”
I nodded and sighed.
How can he be worth
All this pain trapped inside?

I failed, I failed and
My punishment is
I can’t feel a thing with
Each cuddle and kiss.

Birth Trauma baby
Can I love you today?
Have I been good enough?
What would you say?

I look at my baba

That warmth and that joy
That the other mums boast
It sounds just so easy
That’s what hurts the most.

Birth Trauma baby
Should I love you today?
It’s been a long time now
But it’s still far away.

I can feel it getting closer
But I’ve been here before
It just turned around
And walked out of the door

Somehow this time’s different
They’ve all said it’s there
Just because I can’t feel it
Doesn’t mean I don’t care.

Like a child with a wish
I close my eyes tight.
Will it be there in the morning?
I’m hoping it might.

Birth Trauma baby
I can love you today
I’m doing my best
And that’s the way it will stay.

I’m looking at my baby
He’s sleeping
I let myself love him.
I’m allowed to, I deserve it, I want it,
I need it.

I’m doing it, I did it, I made him and bore him and birthed him and held him and fed him and cleaned him and taught him and rocked him and drove him and pushed him and kept him, over and over and all this time because,
I love him.

Maternal mental health does matter and men and birthing partners can be affected too. Whatever you are feeling, know that it is ok, that you are not alone, and there is help out there.

Together we can break the stigma.

Love from

Sheryl @SimplyNatal

Simply Postnatal Courses and Support can help you make the transition to parenting more manageable. Find out more here